I’m a turtle when it comes to conflict 🐢
In my graduate class, I was tasked with finding my main weakness regarding communication. Before I even thought deeply about this I was immediately filled with nightmares and flashbacks of times that conflict has greatly impacted the way I communicated with people. I am an absolute pro at avoiding conflict. I can feel when it’s coming and I can get out of the way before anyone even knew I was there. Just thinking about it right now makes me shiver a little bit. But if I want to reach the goals and aspirations I have set for myself I know I need to get over this fear. I want to be able to challenge people and pull the most out of my conversations and interactions with others.
I brainstormed and talked to my professor about how I should initially start my research. After getting some great direction from my professor, I realized that I needed to identify how I manage conflict. There is a great model called the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument. This is a tool that helps measure people’s responses to situations of conflict. If anybody wants to find out what how they manage conflict there is a great questionnaire that helps identify what conflict modes they gravitate to.
Like I stated earlier, I am very good at avoiding conflict. I don’t want to upset anybody or cause a big ruckus just because I don’t agree with something. That often stops me from engaging in that conversation. So when I took the Thomas-Kilmann questionnaire I was naturally heavy in the avoiding section. I was also very strong in the accommodating category as well. This made sense to me as I replayed situations in my head where I often maintained harmony in a conversation until I could make my getaway.
These were all things that I knew or agreed with, but what could I take from doing this exercise? It was glaringly aware to me that I really needed to work on my assertiveness. I am a very competitive person when it comes to sports, but if I’m participating in a debate I will concede to whoever is across from me. That’s just how I am. Finding a compromise is a better alternative in my mind. The main area I really want to strive for is the collaboration section. I understand that there are certain situations where collaboration isn’t needed, but that is definitely the skill I could gain the most from.
So how do I become more well-rounded when dealing with conflict? I think the most important thing to do when in a conflict is to find out what the disagreement is really about. This is easier said than done. It’s not simply asking the question, it’s about digging deep into the situation. This is where being able to communicate well becomes very important. Coming off in a threatening tone will only polarize the conflict more. When addressing the problem try and stay positive and confident. Don’t be too assertive, but definitely walk the line of what is truly causing the difference in opinion. Also, think about any possible unwritten rules in this interaction. For example, are there certain things that shouldn’t be brought up? Tread lightly when working around sensitive subjects. I see conflicts as icebergs. On the surface, they don’t look too big, but there is a whole lot more going on underneath that can’t be seen.
There is a great TED talk by Clair Canfield that addresses how to effectively communicate when dealing with conflict. The overarching theme here is to speak responsibly. He puts together an acronym, VOCAB, that I think is brilliant.
Vulnerability: Let yourself be seen.
Ownership: Taking accountability for emotions and actions.
Communication: Ask, listen, and express.
Acceptance: Embrace reality and letting go.
Boundaries: Ground rules.
I can’t wait to utilize this tool to help me navigate through future conflicts that I encounter. Overall there is one main question that needs to be asked before addressing conflicts, and that is, “How much does this conflict mean to me?” In order to fairly resolve conflict, there has to be a desire to do it. Sometimes there are things that are just not worth fighting for. It is hard to utilize conflict solving tools when there is no actual rooted interest. I have heard this happens a lot when there is a spouse involved 😉.
I want to hear what you, the reader, think. What are some things that help you deal with conflict? What do you find the most challenging when encountering conflict? What are some key phrases you use to respectively communicate with the other side of the argument?
